This is my shift

It's been raining in my heart for a long time. It still is. Trouble is, the protections I put up so securely to keep me from getting hurt have kept friends, family and others along the way from sharing my life, my inside life. I haven't given too many people a chance to really know what's going on with certian restricted areas of my heart and mind.

That has changed.

Life has a way of battering against our protections. This time, the storm has wiped out an entire shoreline of barrier walls. I'm not the only one dealing with the damage.

This storm is still shrieking and wailing around my family. And yet there is a calm within me as I live among my soul's broken places. There are windows where I had walls. There are gapping holes and much has been spilling out. I have been climbing out and mingling with other survivors.

In a hospital room, all kinds of pleasant and incredibly unpleasant topics can come up. At least they have in our family. Tears. Loud voices, angry looks. Hugs. Prayers. Love.

My mother is dying. She has out of control breast cancer, heart issues, bad lungs, diabetes, shingles. Yesterday they found out she now has a GI bleed. She needs to be in hospice. That's what the family wants. That's what the nurses say and the doctor wants. That's what the social worker says and the conservator agrees.

And we're all caught in this system, waiting for the process that should help the chronic mentally ill patient, but isn't serving this dying woman's needs very quickly at all. All these tubes and treatments and jabs are only adding to her suffering.

It is hard to watch and be able to do so little to help.

Yet I believe God is good. He is present in and through this storm if only I had eyes to see him. As surely as the sun still shines during the darkest storm days, God is here and he is not helpless.

I need to leave now for the hospital. This is my shift. I don't want to be late.

Updated Saturday morning: We're waiting now for a court to agree that she can be moved to hospice and have a DNR. A trial is scheduled for Tuesday morning.

How about you?  How is God using life to change you or someone you love? Please post a response. Your answer may help others.


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